I've been a mean girl, shutting out someone who hurt me, and a forgiving girl, who learned to let people back in. I've been a groupie (that was fun), a party girl (alcohol only, please), a clubbing girl (it was college). I've been the peacemaker, trying to heal relationships and feeling guilty when I couldn't. I've been depressed, spending weeks in bed crying and hardly coming out for school or food. I've been blissfully happy and I know what it's like to cut yourself just to watch it bleed. I've defeated some demons and learned to manage others. I've been infatuated (for longer than I'd like to admit), I've loved (sometimes without admitting it to myself), I've had my heart broken. I've spent years trying to please others and thinking it would make me happy. Sometimes it did.
Who am I now? I'm a person with a lot of flaws. I don't have a perfect body, perfect face, perfect personality. I do have a much better idea of who I am and I can accept that. I'm clumsy, not always good with words, anxious. I talk too much when I'm nervous, I interrupt people. I'm awkward. I stay awake all night sometimes because I can't turn my brain off. I enjoy naps. I love my children unconditionally and cannot stay mad at them. Sometimes I'm too strict, sometimes I'm too easy. Sometimes I stand up for myself and my beliefs, but sometimes I just smile and nod. I know it's wrong to gossip and feel terrible when I do it, but do it anyway. I obsess over tiny things (and drive my best friend or mother crazy by talking certain topics to death).
I still like to be the peacemaker. I like to help but don't like being taken advantage of. I like positive affirmations from the people in my life. I wish I had more time to volunteer. I like working and would be a terrible stay at home mom - missing my kids while I'm at work makes me appreciate my time with them more. I try to be a kind person. I try to be less judgmental.
The older I get, the more self-awareness I have. This is mostly good, but sometimes makes me over-analyze every aspect of every relationship I have. It's also made me more introverted. I have just a few close friends, but I love and cherish them and would do anything for them. Happy hours with my 2 closest girlfriends are a mandatory part of my life; it is my therapy.
I don't think I've always made the right choices in my life, but have no regrets. I like my life. I like who I am. I'm learning that I can't make everyone like me and that's ok. I am learning to accept and embrace my flaws. I'm learning to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I am far, far from perfect, but now I embrace the madness. I don't need to hide my true self. I'm not scary or intimidating. I'm not ashamed or scared.
I'm just me.
