Why I can't make mom friends.

I've been a mom for almost five years, and I still haven't made any mom friends.

My two best friends are moms, but we were friends long before we were throwing baby showers and going to 1st birthday parties.

Growing up, my mom always had mom friends. She even had mom friends that she met in prenatal aerobics class (of course, to do this I would have had to actually attend a prenatal aerobics class). She had friends from the PTA. He mom friends were mom-like. Some were overweight, they wore mom jeans and big glasses and big hair (it was the late 80's). It seems like, 20-something years ago, it was a lot easier to make mom friends.

Granted, I am a very shy person. It takes me a long time to open up to someone (unless I've been drinking). I've met some mom acquaintances, but haven't become full-fledge, tell-them-everything-call-them-anytime friends. I don't think the problem is just me, though. I think moms are different these days. Here are some of the moms that I have encountered in the last five years.

The Mom, Mom:
This is a mom that is all about their children. They cannot imagine leaving their child with someone for a few hours, much less overnight or a few days. Most practice attachment-parenting, breastfeeding, baby-wearing. They are often stay-at-home-moms, that say things like, "I can't imagine working and leaving my baby with anyone but me! No one else is going to raise my child for me!" This mom thinks she knows everything they need to know about raising children, and often has no problem sharing her knowledge with you. They mostly enjoy talking about how perfect their children are, or, on the flip side, all their child's problems and how they are working to fix them. Either way, it's all kids, all the time. These moms often spend a lot of time on mom message boards and going to mommy and me activities.

The Party Mom:
This is the opposite of the Mom, Mom. She gave birth and promptly returned to her regular life as if nothing had ever changed. She goes out drinking when she wants (often, she has a family member nearby or living in to care for her child), travels when she wants, works if she wants. She loves her child, and usually spends a few hours with him in the early evening and during the day on the weekends, but can't figure out how to balance her mom life and her life. She treats the child more like a niece or nephew, laughing at his antics instead of disciplining, enjoying him but not really parenting.

The Judgey Mom:
This mom is similar to the Mom, Mom; but isn't necessarily as attached to her child - she just has an opinion on everything and judges everyone who does things differently. You vaccinate your child? You're uneducated and stupid. You wear your baby? That's insane, get a stroller. She doesn't have to be on one side of the fence or the other, she's just going to judge you if your decisions aren't the same as hers. She's not just judging your child though, she's judging you. Oh, you didn't lose all your baby weight in two weeks? You must be doing something wrong. You don't nurse your baby? You are poisoning her with formula. You use cloth diapers? That is disgusting. This mother can be on either side of the fence when it comes to child-rearing, but whatever side she is on, she's right and you're wrong. She may not judge you to your face, but she's sure doing it to her other smug mom friends or at the very least, in her head.

The Catonsville Mom:
This mom can live anywhere, but in my mind she is the Catonsville mom. She lost all her baby weight quickly, she works out a few days a week (or a few times a day). She dresses in age-appropriate, tasteful but stylish clothes, and always looks put-together. You will not find her standing on the sidelines of her son's soccer game in sweats with her unwashed hair in a messy bun, but you may run into her coming from a manicure and a facial. She's intimidating to other moms because she appears to have it all together and by comparison, you clearly do not.

Me:
The thing is, I've been all these moms, especially when I became a mom for the first time. I struggled with my identity, and went from being a Mom, Mom one day to being a Party Mom the next. My son was an easy baby, and therefore I thought I was doing everything right. I don't know what you're doing wrong, but it's obviously your fault that your child doesn't listen or doesn't sleep.

Unfortunately, I was also a Party Mom. I was married at 21 and gave birth when I was 23. I've always been mature, but suddenly I felt completely lost. None of my friends had kids yet, so they could still go out and drink and do what they wanted, and I didn't want to be left out. I thought they were all going to leave me behind, lacking sleep, unshowered and wearing sweatpants for days straight. So to counteract my Mom-ness, I left my son with my husband or parents all the time to go out and drink with my non-mom friends. I probably drank more than I had before I got pregnant, and then felt horribly guilty when I got home and saw my sweet, innocent infant son waiting for me.

I've also been a Judgey Mom. I read a lot of parenting books, probably more than is really necessary to raise two kids. Therefore, if someone was struggling, I assumed they just weren't doing things my way. I usually wasn't vocal about this (remember: extreme shyness) but I had these thoughts often. I even tried to be a Catonsville mom, I went to the gym (again, getting away from my child because I was in denial that I was a Mom-Mom), I tried to look the part.

Fortunately, giving birth to my second child changed everything. I realized that you can be a great parent and still have a child that prefers to run through Target chowing down on raspberries (that you haven't paid for yet) than sit nicely in the cart with a sippy cup of organic milk. Some kids just have endless energy and you have to help them channel it appropriately.

Figuring out who you are doesn't stop after high school or college, it continues on as you go through different phases of your life. When you've never been a confident person, it's easy to fall into different roles to try and see where you fit. Eventually though, you have to face up to who you really are and accept it.

So what about making mom friends? I'm still working on it. I'm learning to be less judgmental and more open-minded. I am realizing that my friends don't necessarily have to have all the same beliefs as me or be raising their kids exactly the same way. My best friends and I aren't, but we have no trouble staying friends and being moms simultaneously. A well-dressed skinny mom doesn't have to be intimidating to talk to, and she's not necessarily snobby.

I think there are other moms like me, struggling to figure out who they are and wanting to make friends with other moms. Maybe they're shy too, or maybe they just don't know how to do it. It's almost like dating, you need to spend time with them and get to know them, and the older I get, the harder it is to open myself up like that. I'm going to try though. I think my mom's mom-friends really helped her when we were in school, and I think I can use some allies as we move on to elementary school and beyond. My mom-friends don't have to be my best friends, we may not go to concerts together and call each other when we're having a nervous breakdown - but that's ok. I don't need more best friends, but I also don't need to shut someone out just because they're a mom.

I'm learning.